A LIL' MONKEY HUMOR -- This is one of my favorite jokes
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the
cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender
screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? "The guy
says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!",
says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the
patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill and
leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it
out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
cherry up his rear end, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the
barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"
Coming Soon! My own rants n' raves regarding life and the every day idiot.
Plenty O' Kewl Links on the Way!!
Miscellanous crap
Hey, Someone found an ancient map of the women's brain.
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Five more jokes I want to share with you.
IF IT CAN'T BE SEEN....IT CAN'T BE SOLD
A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog
food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the
dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the
checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food.
That's the rules.":
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He
walked up to the cashier and said, "Put your hand in here, please."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
THE TOP 6 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command" or "File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half of your paycheck on accessories.
MIGHTY MOUSE
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar
and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams
another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those Deacon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two
mice look at each other, and then turn and follow the third mouse to the
door and ask,
"Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger
at SeaTac; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to
the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz."
So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin'
buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows
his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels
good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his
buddy.
The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!,
The buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover - we ought to
do this more often"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
BLONDE JOKE
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and
sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled
and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their
voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a flat board in her hands. She
walks over to the table, sets the board in the middle of the table. The
blonde women jump up and they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie
monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the
bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the puzzle pipes up, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and
put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days."
PARROT HUMOR
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with
a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,
rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got
worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry, rude and his language
became extremely offensive..
Finally, in a moment of sheer desperation, David threw the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming. Then suddenly there was silence. David was filled with guilt
and thought the bird had perished. He quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm
sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions. I beg
for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and for a moment was
speechless. He was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when
the parrot asked. "May I inquire as to what that poor chicken did?"
