Love and the Crustacean

What can I tell you about love? Much more than you would like to know, that much is certain. I know how love works and I think it's important to point out that knowing how it works doesn't make the experience any less enjoyable, wonderful or painful.

So why do we love?

We love because it's an adaptive behavior, meaning the first animal which developed the mutation that is the ability to love, had more success as a progenitor than the animals without that ability... his children all had the same advantage. That advantage is based the fact that two individual animals caring for and gathering resources for their offspring makes for much healthier offspring. Of course human babies take forever to get to a point that they can fend for themselves, but love came into the picture as a method of pair bonding far before humans came along.

How do we love?

There's a couple of ways, there's motherly love... the main component there is oxytocin. And there's couple love, the main component there is phenethylamine. Oxytocin is also known as the cuddle chemical, and all mammals share this neurochemical. There are interesting studies done on Oxytocin, and as much as I'd love to talk about that here, it's beyond the scope of this page to go into those details. Phenethylamine is an interesting neurochemical.. it's a carbon atom away from being a narcotic, meaning it's addictive as all heck! Which makes perfect sense. When you fall in love with someone, you either consciously (or most likely subconsciously) decide to *love* them... you associate the release of Phenethylamine with them and effectively become "addicted" to them.

I've associated the release of phenethylamine with two individuals before. The first one was as a science experiment, having just read about the neurochemical nature of love I wanted to prove it to myself. Boy was this a mistake! It's true, you can fall in love at will, but you can't fall OUT of love at will! I was so incredibly focused on the girl I chose to fall in love with, she was not at all attractive to me, in fact I chose her because I found her so unattractive and uninteresting. I made a real fool of myself more times than I can count trying to impress her but since I knew this was just an experiment and was not supposed to actually go anywhere, I was never direct with her. But oh how being in love with her felt good! I could feel the electricity in the air, everything was so clear and beautiful... things were wonderful!

Five years later, I met this girl I thought was very nice, again, I wasn't attracted to her but she was so nice! I remember thinking how great it would be to be in love again... and I also remember warning myself against it as I still wasn't over the first time I tried that. I guess I didn't have the will power to stop, it wasn't long before I was just crazy about this other girl... but now I was an adult and she had an interest in me as a friend so we went out in the context of friendship. Long story short, I kept a respectful distance while she was unavailable and made my feelings known the very day I learned she was available again. The feeling was not mutual... ouch. (note: I expect to be nominated for understatement of the year for that ouch) That has been nearly four years ago... I still think of her often. I think of the first one far less often.

Will you ever love again?

The second individual I mentioned was a very nice and very unique individual... I once regarded her as the ideal woman, perfect in every way. I've since come to realize that she's not so perfect as our friend phenethylamine would have me believe... but she does have some traits I admire and I want to develop some of them in myself. About a year after being snubbed I had a very important relationship, while I didn't reach the level of emotional intimacy I have in my two experiences with love, we reached a very deep level of psychological intimacy and an important level of physical intimacy. This tells me that, yes, I can love again. Part of me wants me to hurry the heck up and get into a relationship with someone I can love so I can once again benefit from the clarity of thought and single minded laser like focus... not to mention all those wonderful feelings!

Can you do anything neat with love?

That's a good question! Since I've proven (at least to myself) that I can fall in love at will, I was thinking that given my level of intelligence, my better than average memory and my genuine curiosity for how things work... it would be a great boon for me to fall in love with learning! The process of learning... if I could make it so that I associate the release of phenethylamine every time I learn something new I would be so incredibly focused on learning and I would find life so wonderful as I'm doing it... I can only imagine what incredible feats I would be able to accomplish if I could harness the focusing power of love to something useful like that.

I am a little afraid of that idea now. Knowing how long it's taken me to get over the last two times I associated the release of phenethylamine with individuals gives me pause... not to mention, I literally fear for my sanity, though I've managed to keep it all clear in my head up till now, I wonder just how well I'll keep my wits about me when I find myself falling in love with an abstract concept like learning.

Your position on love makes me angry!

I'm sorry you feel that way, but does it really change how powerful and wonderful love is when you know how it works? I can tell you from personal experience... No.

In Conclusion...

Love is a pair bonding mechanism which helps ensure the survival of an individual, keeping his two parents together by effectively making them addicted to each other. It's an ability that individual will inherit and will make him a more effective provider when he pair bonds with another individual to help raise a family of his own.

I love love, and I love to be loved. I look forward to loving again, but I want to first make sure I don't get snubbed... but even if I do, the pain is worth the good part... while it lasts. I've been "Bringing out the dead" for the last four years, meaning I've stuck my brain on autopilot and have just been going through the motions for the most part, not very interested in much of anything. Sometimes you just have to keep the body alive while the mind fixes itself.

I have someone to thank for getting me out of my coma so to speak... but she's just a friend... she seems very nice.