The History of Lobster

I grew up in Los Angeles, I remember it well, me and my two Siblings being raised by our mother... My father had been caught and boiled by the time I was born so I never knew him. As a male lobster it was difficult growing up without another Male Lobster as a role model.

My mother was brave and she carried on, we lived in the floodcontrol channels of LA, which was mostly muddy water with lots of debris floating around. My mother would feed us the cheeseburgers people tossed at her at the local McDonalds as she tap danced. Then came the summer I will never forget. A RED LOBSTER restaurant went up next to the McDonalds, and one day, when my mother was tap dancing for food, she was caught! *sob* and *sob* they put a rubber *sob* band around her claws and stuck her in *sob* a tank. I wanted to go save her but I was just a young little lobster *sob* my sisters and I had to fend for ourselves, we could see our mother at night as we scurried up to the restaurant, there in the dim light the street lights provided, we could see our poor mother in the tank *sob* she would look at us with those sad sad eyes, and her eystalks would just *sob* droop. We cried and stayed at the window till the Red Lobster employees started coming. *sob* We screamed in horror the day someone chose her as their *choke* meal. *sob* I'm sorry.. I've never been able to get over it. *sob*

Ok, so maybe it didn't exactly happen like that. I was raised by my mother and grandparents, my father was never around. I was the first generation of our family to be born in the U.S., I learned to speak spanish before I spoke english, and I can sometimes still fake an accent. :)

I was raised with my two sisters, didn't have much in common with them, they usually watched mexican soap operas with my mother while I played with legos by myself or watched television. I would do some pretty weird things, like build Lego hospitals, then capture insects, disable them and put them in the lego hospital. The insects would always spoil my fun by climbing up into the lego peices and hiding from me, but I would take out a hacksaw and teach them a lesson.. you don't hide from the almighty lobster!! You worthless peice of filth!! Get out here and I'll make DAMN SURE you won't be crawling ANYwhere for QUITE a bit of time!! Oh. I'm sorry... you must feel all oogey now... BUT WHY MUST THEY CRAWL INTO THE CACADOODEY LEGOs?!?! Oh well... life goes on. For some of us.. Muahahahahahahaha!!! Oh.

I didn't have a wonderful childhood, and I guess I make up for it by having as much fun as I can as an adult. The best thing I can say about my childhood is that at least *I* was not _sexually_ abused. But even that makes me wonder what's wrong with me? My second grade teacher went insane. I kind of suspected something was amiss when she would take the class on fieldtrips to the basement. Several of the teachers and administrators at the catholic school I went to were arrested for sexually abusing other boys. Just your average Christian institution.

When I was 14 yrs old I got my first job! YAY!! It didn't pay much at all but it was MONEY!! Money I could cover my naked butt with! And joy of joys, not only did I land a job as a cashier getting paid under the table (In crack and prostitutes mostly, I finally convinced them to pay me in sea shells.. the fools!) I also landed a job at an electronics store! I was 14 yrs old, working two jobs and going to school! Talk about a hard working lobster! :)

I was also attending L.A.C.E.S. or the Los Angeles Center for Enriched Studies, which is a school for brainiacs that offers advanced classes of which you can take 7 per semester. The theory behind that is that you can get a real jump on college by taking as many college requirements as you will. They also had a gifted child program. I don't know if I was one of the gifted students, maybe just believing I was is enough. :) But I did get perfect scores in Science, Math and Reading on those CTBS tests they make everyone take every year. In fact, I didn't even have to read the little stories in the reading section, I remembered them from the previous year and all it would take is to read the questions to refresh my memory. My guidance counselor told me I could be anything I want to be. Then he suggested I enlist in the Army. I kid.

Well to make a long story short, we moved to Seattle, I returned to High School, relieved to be around laughable wannabe gangsters instead of the real ones from LA. I took what courses I needed to get a high school diploma, including a couple of years of Electronics Technology for the fun of it. Then went to Community College. That is where I learned one of the more important lessons of my life. Not to squander $$$. I spent most of my student loans on computer related equipment and didn't have enough left over to buy all my books. DOH! Oh well. I was working at Computer City at the time and being around all that hardware was just too much of a temptation. I quit my job after I contracted the martian death flu from one of my co-workers (Ever heard of a flu that lasts over a year?) And I missed my finals at college resulting in two big ZEROs and a D in physics. Not good at all when you consider it was my first quarter. Financial aid did not want anythign to do with me since then.

Right now I'm paying back my loans and credit cards. I have one salary job, doesn't pay very well but it's easy and I can devote most of my runtime to other projects. I have one contract job, it's slightly challenging in that I'm actually learning a thing or two. And I have a network of people who call on me when they have any computer related problems to whom I charge $$$, Tons and tons of $$$! And of course, being the honest citizen I am, I report every penny of it to the IRS! :) Oh, and I'm also on welfare, I collect social security and foodstamps. Not to mention I don't have a legal right to work in the US. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! And I'm making over $400 a day!! HAHAHAHA!! Oh.

Well, time to fess up. Some of what's on here isn't true... some of it is. You get to decide what is and what's not, but whatever you decide... please don't boil me!

Oh, I forgot to mention I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars. Well, no that's not exactly true, I've never really been to a bar.