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 Aging Mullet - GU171
The many years had been hard on Dave's mullet. Yes, there was still a party in the back, but
the business up front had lost its lease.
Inside: You're still takin' care of business. Happy Birthday.
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Magical Cake - GU170
And then, deep in the forest, the Princess came across a magical birthday cake! For not only was it delicious, but each bite she ate went straight to the hips of that stuck-up girl who made fun of her outfit in the eighth grade.
Inside: Happy Birthday. May all your wishes come true. I think.
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Birthday Horror - GU169
The Envious friends had always said Margaret had the skin of a 15-year-old girl. Then, one day, that girl... wanted her skin back!
The Regifter!
My Twin Stole My Birthday!
I Only Got a Card!
Inside: It's frightening how good you look. Happy Birthday.
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DMV - GU168
It had been a full life, but Al still wanted his remaining days to last as long as possible. So he moved into the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Inside: I've been waiting and waiting for your birthday. Let's celebrate.
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Suck in Stomach - GU167
After a lifetime of sucking in his stomach whenever he saw a beautiful woman, one day Dave dislocated his belly button up between his shoulder blades.
Inside: Happy Birthday. You're in great shape for your age. It's just a new shape, that's all.
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Glass a Day - GU166
After learning the health benefits of drinking a glass of wine a day, Francine suddenly realized she had to catch up for the first 21 years of her life.
Inside: Looks like you're going to live forever. Happy Birthday.
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Dorian Gray - GU164
The yearbook picture of Dorian Gray
Inside: U R2 Cool2 B2 Old. Happy Birthday.
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Hot Flashes - GU162
Zilla had always been a placid soul, but when the hot flashes began, she found herself getting a bit cranky.
Inside: You look radiant. Happy Birthday.
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Break Room - GU160
When you guys finish, there's cake in the break room for Michelle's birthday.
Inside: Everybody's celebrating. Happy Birthday.
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Jowlistan - GU163
Jerry had become accustomed to time redrawing the map of his face, but now he was forced to deal with the breakaway republic of Jowl-istan.
Inside: Viva la revolución. And Happy Birthday.
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Fast Food - GU161
I'm gettin'… too old. Gotta cut out… fast food.
Inside: Hurry up and have a Happy Birthday.
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Pattern Baldness - GU153
Pierre had endured their taunts for years, but one day he broke down & came clean
If you must know the truth, it’s actually male pattern baldness.
Inside: You’ve still got it where it counts. Happy Birthday.
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Kong Parking - GU154
It had been a lovely birthday dinner, but the evening was about to take a bad turn
Oh, honey, I can’t see where we parked either.
Inside: Happy Birthday. Don’t let things get out of hand.
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Partridge Family - GU155
Yet another birthday rolled around for Herb, but now, at last, his priorities were clear...
Effective today, I am resigning my position in order to spend more time with the Partridge Family.
Inside: Come on, get Happy Birthday.
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Blow Me - GU156
As Bert got on in years, his wife started to leave helpful reminder notes around the house. Some of them, though, he just didn’t care for...
Inside: Don’t forget to have a Happy Birthday.
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Cave Grow Up - GU141
Them grow up so fast....
Inside: You’ve evolved quite nicely. Happy Birthday.
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Cowboy-Astronaut - GU142
Now that we’ve reached a certain age and place in life, we’ve decided to pursue our original passions. So — I’m studying to become a ballerina-princess, and Kyle is going to be a cowboy-astronaut.
Inside: Hope this is the year all those birthday wishes come true.
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Answer Bottle - GU143
Another birthday, and again Diane looked for the answer in a bottle...
You heard me! Spiced Chestnut No. 963! And keep it coming!!
Inside: Have a birthday to dye for.
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Fingerling - GU148
Awkward years for salmon
It’s hard to get girls to take you seriously when everyone calls you a ‘fingerling.’
Inside: You’ve developed nicely. Happy Birthday.
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Tarzan Party - GU118
Every year Tarzan's birthday party would start out pleasantly, but then one of the guests would start throwing feces...
Inside: Happy Birthday. Keep it clean.
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Mary Lamb - GU120
Mary had a mid-life crisis...
... So, after I got my master's, I said, "Well, I'll just do this sheep thing for 6 months or a year until I decide where to specialize." But that was 8 years ago! And the lint...
Inside: Hope your birthday is a great success.
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Juice Boxes - GU123
After dropping the kids off, Cynthia and some of the other moms celebrated her birthday with juice boxes and scotch.
Inside: Have a wild time on your birthday.
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Dough Man - GU124
Herb had to face it: He just didn't feel that fresh anymore, and his popping days were well behind him.
Inside: Hope your birthday cooks.
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Tooth Fairy - GU125
James learned that the fairy who'd bought his teeth for 25¢ each years ago was now going to sell them back at a huge markup.
Now Jimmy -- er, I mean, Mr. Johnson -- I'm afraid this work is going to run about sixteen hundred dollars. Oh, and did I mention that's per quadrant?
Inside: Hope your birthday gives you plenty of reasons to smile.
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Fallen Tree - GU126
Howard experienced a senior moment and a zen moment simultaneously...
Help! I've fallen and I can't get — ... You know, I don't think anyone can even hear me.
Inside: Stand tall on your birthday.
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Super Hero - GU127
Linda Lovely was just an ordinary person until an incredible birthday transformed her into a super hero...
Crows feet pull eyes into permanent squint, giving her Super Sight (except close up).
Years of accumulated wisdom give her Super Smarts. -- "It could turn cold. You should take a sweater."
Cellulite impervious to diet & exercise -- who knows, maybe bullets, too.
Closet full of clothes make her master of disguise (if she can just lose the 10 lbs. she needs to fit into them).
Inside: Happy Birthday. Sidekick not included.
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Old Smell - GU128
Hey! Don't take it so hard, man! You're only as old as you smell!
Inside: You're as fetching as ever. Happy Birthday.
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Tunnel Stories - GU129
Tunnel of long, boring pointless stories.
Your pants must be this high to go on this ride.
Inside: Happy Birthday. Tell us again about the old days.
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Relaxed Fit - GU130
Bruce did his best to carry on with the rock & roll lifestyle...
Do you, like, have these leather pants in relaxed fit?
Inside: Like, totally Happy Birthday.
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Pinatas - GU131
Some of the pinatas started to get suspicious...
They keep telling us, 'You're going to a birthday party,' but we don't even know anyone there!
Inside: Have a swinging birthday.
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Dryer Advances - GU132
Bob finds just the right amount of denial.
It takes less & less time to dry my hair. Boy -- how much more advanced are hair dryers going to get?
Inside: Happy Birthday. Don't stop believing.
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One to Grow On - GU134
Birthday celebration for today’s busy professional
Ms. Gleason, could you please come in and give me one to grow on?
Inside: Happy Birthday. Keep it clean.
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Find the Glass - GU135
Ed had reached an age where it was no longer a question of whether the glass was half empty or half full. He was just trying to remember where he left the glass.
Inside: Hope this card finds you having a happy birthday..
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Culled from Herd - GU136
The only possible explanation: Upon reaching a certain age, Lance had been culled from the herd...
I swear -- I woke up naked, 300 miles away, with a dart sticking out of my ass, and I have no idea how I got here!
Inside: Have a happy birthday, and be sure to carry some mad money.
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