6/17/99

A friend wrote me a letter after I sent him the addy of that poem I wrote. He was very positive about it but did ask a question. I took some degree of time to answer that question and then thought it might be good to share with the list... Hope you all find it interesting...

>sometimes don't you feel it would have been easier just to let go and not swim?

There are times-that's one of the reasons I looked for that poem. It is also one reason that I sometimes get persnickity about my limits. Too many apparent "road blocks" essentially, effectively, lead me up the rigging. You see, failure to identify, continual non-acceptance of my new limits, put me in danger of being "crushed by falling rigging"-ending any chance of further survival...

In the poem it is mentioned that the survivors have life belts, and are encouraged to keep working, have faith that the maelstrom, though horrifying is surviveable if one will only let go.

There are times, many times, when you, or a few others, occupy a space in my mind that the woman in the poem does. My internet connection, my connection with the TBI list, also help in this regard....

When I go to the social group, I try to, as you and a few others do, to remind others that they are not alone. There, I too, am sometimes reminded that not only are the others "not alone," but that neither am I...

A fact still exists however, survival leads on to other parts of the new life that must be put in place. Initially, like one letting go of the rigging, I must be patient, perhaps align my body for re-entry into the water.

Then there comes the work of swimming-many times leading myself back instead of forward, fighting the wind and wave.

Of course then there comes a time to face the rocks on shore, the bruises and injuries inflicted cannot be allowed to cause one to falter too much.

An undercurrent of continued work toward the goal must allways be maintained-allowed to weaken at times perhaps, but it must be maintained.

Once ashore there are still challenges-escape from a sinking ship can be a traumatic thing, a two sided coin that one will in all probability, carry until death. In my case, I carry a number of tarnished, two sided coins. Those coins will probably impact all future decisions.

I survived the wreck, and have been, swimming, fighting off the desires of just giving up, of punishing myself for what appear to be others mistakes in navigation, or leadership.

Working to overcome my short-commings. I am still stroking towards shore-but my life is changed, I am looking for a new direction. In reality, long ago I gave up a seamans life and then struck out in search of a new one-but that lead to ship-wreck on an apparently threatening shore.

Once ashore this time however. I will choose another life. In this new life I will carry a damaged brain with a paradox-some of it has been fixed, better than before... My "superiors" of the past life have not made it to shore with me. That forces some amount of grieving.

My ability to lead, to choose direction, must be directed at myself-So much of my old crew has not survived...

You see, a seaman's life is for me no longer. For now, as I stroke towards shore, I anticipate a life surrounded by wood, by a few friends I hope, and a newly discovered gift-that one being an acceptance of, and love of, life... I am slowly learning about that gift-it is not mine yet...

If not for the voices on the beach, I would have given up long ago my friend... Take good care, Tom...

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