This move on Wal-Mart's part is going to serve once again to put computers in the hands of more and more people who shouldn't be trusted with anything more advanced than a table lamp, but are somehow permitted to have computers anyway. These are the type of people that, when allowed on the Internet, become spammers, MMFers and "MEE TOO!!!!!11" idiots, the people who drive 30MPH in the fast lanes of the info superhighway just because they don't know how to get the car out of first gear, or because they don't think that anyone else should be allowed to drive more than 30 miles per hour. Seeing that Wal-Mart is based out of Arkansas in the heart of Dixie, it sounds like the rednecks are about to be flung like the hubcap off a Ford truck into the Information age. This might be an interesting site to see. Thus begins our look at the diary of one Bubba and his experience with the Computer. I am aware that there are plenty of self-confessed Bubbas out there on the Net (for proof, check out www.bubbanet.com) and I would ask that if this article makes you want to flame something, I would suggested that it's probably a good time for a backyard barbecue.
DAY 1: Well, I just drove ma' truck down to the Wal-Mart yesturday and got myself one of them newfangled computer thingies. Th' guy over there told me that I could use it for the Inturnet... I wunder what that is, can ya' use it to catch fish? I tried pluggin' in all the wires and stuff, but the computer still wouldn't start. I tried usin' my jumper cables to give it a jump start, but when I did that' smoke started comin' out the back, so I figured it musta' been broken, so I took it back to Wal-Mart. They said that I broke it, so I chewed the guy out real good.
DAY 2: Well, I got myself another one of them computer thingies today, and they told me that I wuzn't supposed to use the jumper cables on this one. I asked th' guy how I wuz suppos'ta start the thing, seein' that it had no ignition or nothin' like that. He told me that there wuz this button on th' front of th' machine that I hadta' hit to start it. They send some geek over to ma' house to set the sucker up, so as to make sure that didn't fry th' sucker again. This time he turned th' thing on, and it worked. How d'ya expect me ta' know how ta' get th' sucker started if it doesn't have a key? Sum' guy ova' there wuz tellin' me that the big thing with lotsa' buttons in fronta' the computer wuz called a "keyboard", but I don't see anywhere to hang any keys on it... I'm plumb confused by this thing...
DAY 3: I'm still tryin' to figure out how to use this computer thingie. I have this program open that I don't want anymore, so I called th' guy over at the Wal-Mart, and he told me that I had to close the winder. I closed every winder in the whole blasted house,but th' program wuz still there! Thinkin' that I missed sumpthin', I looked through th' computer to see if there wuz any winders in there, but I still couldn' find any. Finally, I went back to th' Wal-Mart again, an' I bought a sheet of black plastic and duct taped it over' the big glowin' thing (the guy called a "monitor" or sumpthin' like that. I couldn' see nothin' anymore, so I took the plastic off, but th' program wuz still there! Finally, th' guy frmo Wal-Mart hadta' come over and explain that th' winders he wuz talking about are on' the screen... Bill and his boys up in Redmond must be laughin' their heads off by now.
DAY 4: I think I may finally be gettin' the hang of usin' this compuer doohickey now. There are sum' really nice things in here. There's this little thing on the front of the computer what when you press a button, this little thing to put yer' brewski on pops out. All these winders and things start to make sense after a while, and i even took out the crowbar and popped th' cover off th' computer to see what makes it tick... I found that I could cook dinner on the "Pentium" thingy if I take the little fan off. The only problem is when I do that, the thing stops workin'. I told the guy at Wal-Mart (I wunder why he tries to get away wheneve I show up over there...) about it, and he told me the system's hangin'. I don' understad whut he's talkin' about, I don't see a rope or chain that th' computer could be hangin' from. I'm gonna' need to find me one of them geek people out there and he can explain all this stuff.
DAY 5: I keep hearin' about all this "Internet" stuff, but I dunno' what it is. Someone was tellin' me that this thing called "America Online" has Internet, but if America is online, someone musta' snagged their lure real good on a weed or sumpthin. Anyway, th' ghuy wuz tellin' me that I needed a modem or somethin' like that to use it. I dunno' whut they's talkin' about over there. But with all this talk about Internets 'n "on-line" an' stuff like that, I guess that I wuz supposed t' use th' computer to go fishin'. I took it out to th' lake, and I dropped it in... Well, it didn't help catch any fish, but it sure kept ma' boat from goin' anywhere. This computer sure is the best darn anchor I've had for th' boat in ages! I's gonna' tell all my buddies about ma' Internet computer, I can't find a better anchor for th' boat anywhere!