The Secret Life of a Geek


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It used to be that if one knew how to do anything more with their computer than break it, they automatically became a geek, and were, by default, social outcasts with a whole wardrobe designed specifically to highlight the omnipresent pocket protector. This stereotype has all but disappeared, especially because of the fact that most of the geeks out there are now seriously rich, and also because everybody and their pet rock has to have a computer (well, the pet rock may be something of an exaggaration, but for the few people who still try to keep the 70s alive, their pet rocks will at least have a homepage... Wait a minute, if they're stuck in the 70s, why in the heck would they even have a computer anyway.... Oh, forget it, I guess it was just a bad analogy in the first place.) Topic drift aside, with all of these newbies and luddites buying disposable computers which only worked right in the first place because of a lot of messing around with jumpers and a few rolls of duct tape and experience nuclear meltdown if you try to add anything, someone has to be able to fix the things. Most of the people who ditched their own prom in high school (dismissing it as an inefficent expenditure of funds) are now CEOs of billion-dollar companies, if not billionaires themselves (mostly through avoiding inefficient expenditures of funds.)

t is for this reason that being a computer geek has gone from being a stigma that automatically preculdes any sort of social life (as if geeks needed a social life anyway) to practically having fame, fortune and women (or, in the case of female geeks, men) appearing right in front of you. Of course, with this, the pocket protector and morbid fear of personal grooming are optional (especially because you can now afford all of this stuff.) In fact, the geek as we know it may be doomed... So where can you find them?

The same geeks as before are still there, all that's changed is the image and something resembling a social life that has started creeping into this fascinating group. In this day and age where everyone seems to have a computer, the geeks have become much harder to spot (unless, of course, you're on Microsoft campus, in which case you can probably assume that most of the people you see are geeks.) Th geeks are not so well hidden that you won't be able to find them, however. To badly butcher up a quote oft repeated, "you can take a geek out of the computer lab, but you can't take the computer out of the geek." In it's natural habitat, a geek is never far from their computer. Of course, the geek who has somehow been separated from the relative safery of his computers (most likely by some very convincing member of the opposite sex) has all sorts of protable gadgets and gizmos to make sure that he is never without his electronic companions. It is because of this that the geek will often carry several electronic devices on his person at all times, including pagers, cell phones, and really fancy calculator watches that will do everything but cook dinner for you (but will store over 50 recipes). If this person is wearing a 3-piece suit, however, some heed needs to be taken, as these people may just be typical business types forced to perpetually drag their work around.

As I said before, the natural habitat of the geek is among computers, usually several at a time. This is another thing that tehds to give them away. Geek-watchers can often be found at computer stores, finding an observation point that is often near the cash registers. The ones that are making purchases of many different things turn out often to be geeks. Geeks may also be the ones that are not necessarily there to make purchases, but in this case, the nearby puddles of drool in front of the latest and greatest hardware tend to give them away. One of the principal instincts of the geek is that they will always be striving to have faster and snazzier-looking computers than all of the other geeks. In many of Mother Nature's creations, this instinct is meant to attract mates, but for many of the geeks out there, this is not exactly in their best intrests (besides, many potential mates see large piles of computer hardware as a red flag, meaning that you aren't likely to see much of that person if you marry them. Scientists, as they say, are still trying to figure that one out. Unfortunately, the fact that many of the scientist types out there could also fall under the classification of geek doesn't help very much.

Geeks don't, however, spend quite all of their time in front of a computer. There are other things that geeks have been known to do, such as get together and brag about their computers. Usually these discussions are good-natured ribbing and rarely become confrontational. When this does happen, the geeks network their PCs and engage in masochistic rituals such as marathons of such network games as Descent, Quake and others in that vein. (a species in the same genus, which uses Macintoshes, has also exhibited similar behavior. These two species typically don't get along too well and often end up in debates over the merits of their respective platforms.) It is not known quite how this establishes a pecking order, but it apparently gives the losers an excuse to buy a fancy new joystick or upgrade their computer even more drastically. Thw winner has often been known to go and buy new stuff for no discernable purpose. Another notable characteristic of geeks is that they can be located near almost anything relating to Star Trek. It is because of this that some theorize the geeks are really an alien race. Since many geeks seem to have an affinity to the X-Files, this may be true.

All in all, geeks are one of the species least understood by scientists (it would help if we could find some non-geek scientists, but unfortunately, there has been nobody willing to undertake this taks for some reason. Some scientists (e.g. Bill Nye and that one Beakman guy who hangs around with loonies in rat suits) have tried to shed this label, but these types tend to be jut a tad off center anyway, so they're not much help. Even though geeks have undergone a recent image change, devoted geek-watchers need not dismay. Geeks are not extinct. It's as another old saying goes, "Old habits die hard."

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Copyright (C) 1997 Brian Lutz. All rights reserved.
"As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow--He could be plotting something."
-Hagar the Horrible

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