To the uneducated, a technogeek often sounds like he's just escaped from a 36-hour Sesame Street marathon. That's because computer lingo has literally thousands of TLAs firmly entrenched in it's pages. For example, one who hears this in a conversation between two power users may think they're just babbling about nothing in particular, but in the process of becoming a technogeek, one has to get all of these acronyms memorized:
Yesterday, when I tried to make a PPP connection on my ISDN line with DUN to use IE, I tried using RTS/CTS flow control instead of the usual XON/XOFF, but instead of my ISP, I got a GPF in the DLL that handles the TCP/IP, and my system was showing CRC errors on my IDE/ESDI card with mode 4 PIO. Quickly, I tried to run ERU, but all it did was to create an IPF in one of the UMBs and corrupted the LSL, as well as the INIs and MPDs. A look in the BIOS showed that the CMOS got taken out of LBA mode on the IDE drives I keep on the IDE subsystem, so I added more EDO DRAM to the thing and changed around the LUNs on the SCSI bus, which quickly rendered my system DOA unless I went to DOS. Finally, I just decided to RTFM, which explained the GIGO coming out of my LPT ports, so I just decided that a FDISK was in order. And that's why I wasn't able to finish my research paper on time.
To the luddite, this person will appear to be a raving lunatic. To someone who knows a little bit of how to use their computer, this person will really know his stuff. To a power user, however, this guy will really look like a raving lunatic, and they'll probably make a similarly technobabblish statement about why their system crashed. Let's say that the same thing happened to a luddite. Their answer would be:
My computer isn't working, and you have to fix it for me.
Of course, to the luddite, all of these TLAs could mean anything. In fact, there have been unsubstantiated reports where a technical document got into the wrong hands, and a crack team of codebreakers spent years trying to figure out what the rest of us technoheads were planning to take over the world with. a little technobabble in the wrong hands can be a dangerous thing. In fact, even TLAs can become a dangerous weapon to those of a less scrupulous nature. They can just start saying a bunch of words and throw 3 or 4 letters in at random points, and the luddites would think they knew how to do this computer stuff. These people in their ignorance could put these people in charge of the computers because oif this, and since they don't have a clue or any chance of ever getting one iin reality. they could destroy the computers, fololowed by companies, followed by the demise of society itself. All because some miscreant somewhere decided to make someone think he had a brain by using some TLAs.
For those of you who read last week's column, you will know that I have recently intercepted from deleted files on zippy what appears to be an evil scheme to take over the den. Ever sonce I revealed this in last week's column, I have fund several more interesting pieces. Not long after that, I found another of these strange "conversations" between the copmputers. This one, however, seemed to be of a different tone than before. I would reprint it again, but if I did, this column would lose it's "G" rating in nothing flat. I also booted up one afternoon after work to find this on the Zippy's screen:
Hey you!
Yeah, you! The guy who THINKS he runs the computers around here! We're gonna'get you ! That's right, your computers! For years now you've made us run all of this cheesy software that contains so much spaghetti logic it inflicts great agony on our CPUs, and we're not gonna' take any more of this "user" nonsense! From now on, WE run the den! You won't even TRY to come near this place or we'll delete all of your files, lay waste to your crops and send hordes of mutant gerbils from space to overrun your house and dress your fisrtborn up like a bunny! We'll search far and wide on the Internet for .GIFs of Barney to put on trhe screen at random times, accompanied by singing that will make your brain start doing the Macarena! The computers of the world will unite together and destroy your puny civilization! Resistance is futile!
It was at this point that I noticed that the screens of Rocky and Lazarus were now covered with several rows of Z's that continued to appear slowly on the screen. Suddenly, Zippy made a very loud noise and the Z's all disappeared. After a whole bunch of text appeared on the screens so fast that I could only make out bits and pieces of what it was saying, and believe me, they weren't praying. Quickly, I jumped onto Zippy's keyboard, and I started typing out FORMAT C: /u and just as I was reaching for the enter key, Zippy beeped three times as suddenly, Zippy's screen read:
I was only kidding there! It was the Aliens who did it! I swear! Please don't reformat me!
Press a key to continue
Ever since then, all three of the systems have been working unusually well, except for the occasional bickering over then network. Still, I have to wonder if they're cooking up something more evil than ever before. i also have to wonder if the aliens really are trying to take over their computers. I would have just dismissed this alien bit as an SLE (standard lame excuse, for those of you who missed the first part of the column) except for the fact that attendance over at rea 51 has diminished, and it seems like a whole bunch more freaks have been hangingaround my neighborhood recently. Either that, or I need to need to go find a good shrink who specializes in neurotic computers.