One of the things that went on last week was that I recieved an e-mail message from the intended "benefactor" of the column I wrote a few weeks ago about Net dating (if you haven't seen it yet, you can click somewhere in this general vicinity and read this Sledgehammer classic.) Aside from all of the LOL's dotting the message, I haven't yet quite determined what the message was. So far, I think it's a toss-up between a death threat and a canned speech one can expect to hear following yet another round of politics as usual. Eventually, in order to avoid "the wrath of this slacker," (his words, not mine) I was instructed to write a public apology. He managed to leave out one possibly vital detail, however. He forgot to explain what i am supposed to apologize for.
Since then, I have spent several days in quiet contemplation, trying to find something to apologize for. Finally, I decided that this issue of the Sledgehammer will in fact contain a full public apology... For the crimes of humanity. So if any residents of the Q continuum happen to be reading this, I apologize for any of the actions of the huiman race that may have led to the spontaneous creation of any spatial distortions, photachyon emmissions or other such phenomena. You see, we have all been brainwashed by these silicon-based devices of our own creation. Fortunately, they are too stupid at this point to annihilate us from the face of this puny little planet we all live on. If this weren't the case, I am quite sure these devices would have done so many years ago.
Treknobabble aside, we have to wonder how long all of these computers would let humanity survive, if it weren't for the fact that they were nothing more than elaborate piles of semi-structured circuit boards. In fact, I can insult these suckers all I want, and they can do nothing more than repeat the same scathing words I use right on screen, therefore insulting themselves in the process. In fact, if I decided to call the computer you're reading this anobsolete pile of boards, it could do nothing more than agree. Unfortunately, the computers can also do nothing more than agree that you wiped out your boot partition, no matter what amount of contrition and other effort is made to prove otherwise.
It is in this situation that the standard troubleshooting procedures become quite ineffective. It's timt to try some stuff you wouldn't normally consider in this situation. Where in other situations, you may stick to software level troubleshooting, at this point, one may consider troubleshooting methods that involve possible destruction of software, hardware, or both. As you may already know, my preferred troubleshooting device in these situations has been honored as the namesake of this Web site. In a pinch, I will resort to other methods (I have recently discovered that a Fresnel lens on a bright, sunny day proves to be remarkably effective, from my recent acquisition of one of these fun little devices. Just keep the kids away with it, or you just may find out how flammable the little tykes can be.)
Of course, usually being at least several hundred miles from the computer in question with my job in tech support(hey, it's only a LITTLE more stressful than air traffic control at JFK) this type of non-standard troubleshooting becomes slightly more difficult. The somewhat limited availibility of long-range ballistic missiles does little to help in this regard. This means that if those of us in tech support were capable of using such troubleshooting methods without hitting the release button to find the pink slip already pasted on our cubicle wall, this would make for a few interesting calls...
Tech: Ok sir, we need to try some stuff that may seem a little unusual here, but it does reduce your little modem conflict to an insignificant little problem.
Luser: Good... I called Packard Bell three times, and they couldn't figure it out. I even called AOL, and they told me something about "installing" the modem?
Tech: Yes, we need to install the modem in your system. Would you, by any chance, have any firecrackers left over from the last fourth of July?
Luser: Hold on a minute... Yes, I do.
Tech: Good. Stick the modem in the computer along with all of the firecrackers you can find, and light 'em. That will install the modem.
Luser: Ok... Lit 'em. *BANG* Ok, it's installed.
Tech: Ok, ready to try out your new modem?*snicker*
Luser: HEY! When I hit the power button, the thing caught on fire! I want to talk to your supervisor!
Tech: Forget it... It's a hardware problem.*click*
Obviously, trying to use such non-standard troubleshooting techniques is frowned upon by the people who actually pay me (hard to believe one can actually get paid to take the abuse of a tech support rep.) Blowing up computers for fun (Let me know if anyone can actually figure out how to blow up computers for profit, I would like to send 'em a resume) is, however, considered a creative form of release when said computers are detonated in the middle of the desert, far from the authorities (or anyone else, for that matter.) For more populated areas, power tools do an acceptible job, but demolishing a system takes longer than the single, decisive blast of a stick of dynamite. In a pinch, a swiss army knife can be used to cut all of the cables (just remember not to cut the power cord with it, or you may get a charge out of the whole thing.)
All in all, for everything that one can use a computer for, there are quite a few ways that the very same computer can be destroyed and rendered useless (oops, I mean hosed, which reminds me... A firehose can also be quite useful, if you happen to have access to one.) I openly encourage people to try out some of these "technopathic" troubleshooting methods on their own systems, as they have already been proven in lab tests (not mine, mind you) to be 100% unsafe to both the computer and user. Nonetheless, despite this little fact, they will completely eradicate all of the problems with your computer (and most likely a few of the things that keep you from being a well-adjusted person.) In fact, many of these troubleshooting steps will completely eliminate the computer, which has been shown to have some newly discovered theraputic benefits. If this course of troubleshooting helps you, don't hesitate to e-mail me and let me know... Oh wait, I forgot, you won't have a computer to e-mail me on anymore.