As much as you might deny it, you are probably at least somewhat attached to the system you are reading this web page from (if you are reading a printed copy of this article, I'll make an exception. Anyone who has become emotionally attached to a piece pf paper needs serious psychological help.) As much as you probably have felt like throwing the thing out the nearest window at times, you probably would feel at least the slightest pang of guilt if you did so (if only because the broken window is going to cost a couple hundred bucks to replace.)
It is for this reason that certain members of this otherwise well-adjusted society tend to stick with the same old computers for years. They even have the gumption to brag about their machines (raised the old thing from an XT, I did. Now she eats Pentiums for lunch!) Of course, the reality is that these brave souls suffer in silence with these systems, which could blow a hard disk without a moment's notice (not a pretty sight, watching yet another computer jump to it's doom in the Realm of the Hosed(tm)...) Their ancient CPUs, paired with such atrocities as EGA, and yes, even CGA video, dot matrix printers that can drive one insane with merely one page of maddening noise, and some of these brave souls even suffer under the dark shadows of the 640K limit of DOS with no hope of escape, since they only have 512K of RAM (or less...)
It's quite hard to believe that anyone would openly brag about any machine with less than 640K of RAM (Well okay, less than 640K of cache RAM may still mean a halfway decent system, although it remains to see how halfway decent the same system will be ten minutes from now, when Intel, Motorola or any of these other chipmakers unveil their latest, greatest new chip.) Inside, these people DO suffer quietly with their fate. There is help, however. The 386 Support Group aims to provide relief for these people who flounder under the shadow of their bulky 80-watt power supplies and full height 40MB hard disks. Unfortunately, the emotional help available here is somewhat lacking at this time. About all that can be found here is the reassurance that you are not alone with your beastly 286 (or worse).
I do, in fact, freely admit, that I am doomed to this same fate myself. Try as I may, I have found myself trapped in the clutches of that ancient curse (well, maybe it wasn't a curse eight years ago) that we know as the Intel 80386. A couple of months ago, I made my first attempt to escape from the virtual prison (PRISON.VXD?) that held me when Kids, at the time a 386SX/20, was upgraded. The curse of the 386 had been vanquished, although my victory turned out to be a short one. It was at that time that I was to be confronted by the siprits of the 386 once again, this time in the workplace, working to support products created on turbocharged Pentiums. Even when you cruise the most advanced superhighways (self-LART for the overused buzzword... *OUCH* *OOF* *YEOOOWWW!*) one must occasionally drive a clunker. Unfortunately, at this point, I spend too much hard-earned cash on air fresheners, mud flaps and the like for the clunker I get stuck with, trying to keep it from exploding on the 520 bridge, not only leaving me without a car, but creating a nasty traffic jam. Remember, if the den ever turns into a black hole, it may take a significant chunk of the Internet with it...)
Eventually, my anguished cries were heard, and I was granted deliverance (and a Pentium) to do my work on. Satisfied with what I thought to be my total deliverance from 386-speed computing, my guard was obviously down at the time when the evil forces of the 386 struck yet another blow, yet this time, it wasn't quite as much a devestating blow as before. This time, the 386 has turned into a well-equipped notebook system. Apart from the 386SL/25 processor and the monochrome screen (I guess that color displays on a notebook system weren't quite around back then,) this one was actualy a pretty nice system in it's day. Apart from the built-in trackball (which sucks profusely, to put it bluntly,) I haven't found much wrong with the system yet (apart from the "3" key which doesn't work properly.) So far, I haven't named the thing yet (but the flying pink elephants encircling the den are waiting at the ready with the empty beer bottles, rotten fruit and rocks once I do...)
It appears, unfortunately, I am stuck with the curse of the 386. Even when I am old and grey, and have my 1024-processor Cray notebook motballed, there will most likely be an old, beat-up 386 still sitting there, chugging away for years trying to boot into Windows. Maybe sometime around 2049, I will realize that I made a wise decision 15 years ago to not reboot the sucker, as it will finally come up to the desktop, after which I will promptly become bored of the thing and toss it out the nearest window, only to find out minutes later that my eccentric 15th cousin just died, leaving me his dilapidated old 386. At that point, I would manifest my total insanity in force for the first time, jumping out the same window my old 386 just took an unexpected trip through just minutes before. I may be able to use that as an excuse for missing a column for a week too.